It has been so long.  Honestly I nearly forgot I had even attempted to start this blog.  THAT is how crazy life has been.   I was working full time.. Daddy was laid off.. so he was full time caregiver, but now he is back to a crazy golf industry work life  I've decided to cut back on hours at work.  For a lot of reasons but the ( should be ) perk is I get to be home with the kids again.   I feel like I am learning to be a mom all over again.  The full days of time filling,  the attitudes of a two and nearly four year old .. ugghhh I feel the grey coming in daily.   Truly  I feel like a MOM FAIL.   Not always.. there are moments of wow I see improvements in childrens behaviour since I've been home.  and hey look at that the sink is empty and I can see the floor.. but overall ..  I'm just overwhelmed.  and disappointed at my lack of keeping on top of things skills.    I get angered as I move things and notice more and more things that have not been done since mat leave ended.. the holes the leaks the floor tiles that need to be replaced.  These things I could overlook when I left after breakfast and came home before bed time .. but now my time is half home and half work..  I NOTICE!   White borders covered in spills from who knows when.  Leaks that were left long enough I am now paying to have drywall cut and removed and replaced.  Things that **Should** have been done, but now fall back onto my plate as the other half exits for the summer months.     As you see .. unlike the happy bloggers of mommy land.  This is my life. 

   I do have fun days of sun and wild kids.. Cuddles and love shared.   It's not all bad... really there is a lot good.    I just need some re-group time.  Some ME time to recharge my system.  I feel the past years has been for anyone but me.    I don't dance..  I JUsT pulled out my guitar piano to try sneak in moments of something that feels just for me like.     The Crazy train is parked out front waiting to take me away.. I tell ya..I'm tempted some days to climb aboard.      Even THIS post has taken three days to write out.  Sad. 

  I have a hair appointment made next week by my MIL ( or the lady who would be if her son ever thought I was worth getting married too)  and she is watching the kids.. so hopefully a little mini makeover day will cheer this cat up.    I need it..  Sooooo need it.  I feel like a slumpy dumpy lady.  I know that's not me..  so.. I'm trying to get back to silly goose happy fun energetic spunky mom.. Perhaps I should invest in a case of wine *giggle*.. noooooo that could be bad ;)

Oh Brother Where Art Thou.....

   Well since there are very few people who read this blog.. but one person I know will...this is a tricky blog to write..

    I decided for myself that it was time to slim back my 1200 person friend list on a social site. .. Feeling  that cutting back on who would view my account would make me feel I could more freely share more moments of my own life.. the ones that matter.. milestones with the kids, pictures, thoughts.. with a more intimate family friend group than  the many " oh you have fcebook" adds from bar nights.  Turns out this is a much harder process than it seems.( an hour to delete 25 people , there must be a better way ) .. and of course as most social media does.. has stirred up a bad wave of WTF?    

   Amidst the Keep me on's.. the it's ok to say so longs...  I noticed a message from a family member.. to "take him off"  ... i laughed.. thought he was being a smart ass as i've come to accept over the years.. and then ... He Took Himself Off..   ok... so why should I be upset? I am the one who wants to slim my list down... but honestly.. family would be if I had one group of people I was doing this FOR was family... so I would feel safer plastering up sweet photo's of my little ones.. so they could see how we are since I really don't get to see many of them often.     ... wow  I'm livid...  every once of dislike i have ever felt towards him.. is sitting on the tip of my tongue.( err finger tips)..

  Funny..something which should be so simple... has said so much.         as simple as a click remove friend click...    

     I look into my crystal ball... and see this simple action adding yet another crack in the great wall of family...  Although I long to see my sister, and her beautiful children... as for her husband...      click remove click.

     Sorry Love..  it's not you.. it's him.

   haha much of this post was deleted... as i know i am splurting out things i should not.. but i needed to vent.. so here it is...    much venting of years of feelings....... many written than erased ...   I'm so sorry if this offends you.......but he has offended me..  and I am who I am.. like most in this family.. I will take his actions personally...   stupid I guess.. forgive forgive .. this is silly this is silly...    Ohmmmm Ohmmmm...  nope sorry still pissed.

"Gonna Rise Up Singing"

        As I said in my previous post,  This blog for me is about challenges and opening up myself.    I have a STRONG desire to step out of the me I'm seeing and embrace the parts of me from my past I have let simmer, gain NEW habits for happiness, also I'd like to burry parts of me I have no desire to keep anymore ... ( that'll be some challenging positing, but I'm promising honest...and honest we will see ...but let's keep that one for later)  


    This Mom thing I'm doing, is ever so amazing!    I have been truly blessed with what  I can claim are the two best darn kids a mother could ask for..  At two years old , my son is smart, sweet, opinionated, LOVES his sister,  crafty, sporty,  he's just such a little fireball.. Fitting we named him Keagan which means Ball of Fire...and then I have my Ainsley.. .. ( whose name means meadow )   Who is stepping not quite in her brothers footsteps but at four months she is showing excitement for the world around her, a love of texture and colour, and her smile... my goodness her smile..  She was born with a natural strawberry birth mark on her center forehead..  sixth chakra..  perhaps it's just a birthmark, but for me. It's a reminder  that she is wise, I see it in her calm and happy..and I know that it's my job to nurture and encourage them to live well and love life as well as themselves.  This has to start with me.. loving not only them with all my heart but being true to who I am as a person..and also learning from them,  these little teeny people have so much to teach!  I've learned so much from them in these short two years already.


 So My First Challenge...   as the title of the post hints.   I want to fill my house with music and dancing.... There are few things I feel I'm super good at... and these two are far from perfected talents.. but I enjoy them, and when we have joy in something, we have the ability to transfer that joy to others by sharing them.    The title of my post is from a song I learned in public school back in the days when religion was shared, prayers were read, and it was ok for my grade 3 teacher to teach us bible songs in public school :) How times have changed.      I am planning each morning as my kids wake up to sing them this song, that has stuck with me all these years and popped out of my mouth on the most needed occasions.. simple, happy, and  a reminder of what a new day can bring.. happiness , change, music, release of worries....   here is the song;

          Gonna rise up singing

It’s a brand new day

I see the sun is a-shinin and the rain isn’t fallin

Like it was just yesterday

And I feel like livin

Got a reason to say (-ay-ay)

Gonna rise up singin, throw my troubles away

Cause it’s a brand new day.

  So that's it.. this weeks goal.  Simple Perhaps.  But I plan on singing... sharing my love with my children.. and this positive message we all need to hear.  "Gonna rise up singing, throw my troubles away   Cause it's a brand NEW DAY"   

       "I Feel Like Livin'"   How about you?     Sing with me this week?..... 

    ~In Love And Light,

     Always Andrea

Ones Quest For Sanity

     Here I am, entering the big big world of blogging.   My sad little attempt at forcing myself "outside" when I'm feeling stuck on the inside.  A little window into the world , out of my world,  into my head, and out of my head... One or all of those perhaps.    I'm planning on using this blog as a tool... a tool to dig into myself, challenge myself, share myself... really... It's the one place thats ALL ABOUT ME in this little house..  ok i'm sure others will be mentioned and my life is never or has never been all about me.. but this will be my little sanctuary. .. while children sleep of course.

   I'm struggling... somewhere I've lost me.  I know, I know.. so taboo and over used but hey,  say it like it is right?   I've been everything Mormon, I've been everything trying to be nothing to do with Mormon, I've been A "hippy", as hippie as I could try to be, I've been the party girl bartender,  I've been the lover,  the crier,  the daughter, the over dramatic teen, the over sensitive child, the second youngest of 7 feeling nearly invisible at times, I've been the listener, the tossed aside friend, the best friend , the "little sister",  bah... you get the point... Until  three years ago..  when I met A BOY.( i say boy, really he's in his thirties but really....) .. We were dating for a short ( too short)  while... and  then HELLO BABIES ...  ( whom I love dearly may I say)  So now here I am.  A MOTHER of two.. in TWO years.     That'll learn ya!    So this is me..   Andrea the Mom.  The lover? The party Girl? The friend? The beautiful? ... these are just some of the parts of me I'm hoping to find as I unravel the posts on this blog.     Right This Moment... the diaper changing, laundry switching, sweeping, swiffering, toy picking up, bath giving,  barely sleeping, crayola loving, muffin making, child tune singing, nurturing to my babies but non-self loving me .... is the person I see in the Mirror.

    You're welcome to read along, you're welcome to challenge me, you're welcome to share, and you're welcome to think reading this far was a waist of time :P     But here we are.. Welcome